October 28, 2004 — John F. Kerry today blamed President Bush for allowing the lunar eclipse to occur last night. After spending the first fifteen minutes of his speech in Boston today celebrating the Red Sox win in the World Series, Senator Kerry launched into an attack on President Bush for failing to do anything about the terror created by the lunar eclipse.
“He knew the eclipse was coming but he failed to do anything about it,” said Kerry. “People were frightened when the moon disappeared, there was terror in the streets. This is another example of the president’s costly mistakes in the war on terror.”
Sources provided the New York Times and CBS news with a copy of the ‘Farmer’s Almanac’ that clearly states when the eclipse was to occur giving the precise date and time. CBS planned to run the story on a special Monday edition of 60 Minutes this coming November 1st, but the New York Times accidentally ran the story first, along with a story about a John F. Kerry win in the Tuesday elections that was mistakenly added to the wrong edition.
“We had the system set to publish the edition early next week but we were getting frustrated trying to finish the crossword puzzle and mistakenly sent the newspaper to print instead of proofreading.” said George Santos, a night shift operator at the Times. “We were just glad we didn’t send off the edition with the winner of the Superbowl as well, that would have really got us in hot water with Las Vegas.”
“John Kerry doesn’t know all of the facts”, responded Bush “he’s just attacking me with anything he reads in the newspapers. This is why I don’t read newspapers, it prevents me from acting too quickly before someone can tell me what to think first. You can’t have a commander in chief that jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts. What’s next, blaming me for the hurricanes in Florida?”
Later in the day, Kerry attacked Bush for the hurricanes in Florida earlier this year saying “He knew that they were coming, we could see them days in advance on our satellite systems, and did nothing to stop their approach. It’s his policies, by not supporting the Kyoto treaty, that resulted in their forming and even though we had sophisticated tracking technology and the greatest scientific minds in the world, he just let let them tear up the US and then lied about it to the American people. This president is incompetent to hold his job.”
Polls showed that roughly 3% of the registered voters paid attention to anything said by either candidate during the month of October, the new fall season was on and it appears that the writing for the stars of this season’s reality shows are better than anything either candidate’s speech writers can come up with. A survey in Vanity Fair shows that the only 2 television shows with worse writing than the candidates’ speeches were The West Wing and Joey.